I'm in this state of calm shock and slight wonder as I think about the last two months of my life, and I pray God helps me sort through these proceeding thoughts in order to bring about some sort of result or conclusion that will please and glorify him, if not clear up some of the muddle.
So :
- There is no more school (for the time being) to be thinking about
- Zero homework responsibilities
- I'm not financially responsible for my groceries
- There is no tuition / rent / room & board sort-of-fee to think about
- I have access to a zillion library books (in two different municipal locations!) with the turn of a
key and a few miles' drive
- I'm totally free of any work schedule
- I'm an American citizen
- I am a redeemed child of God, thanks to his love
Therefore :
I must be the most free girl in the world!
You might say I'm living the good life. It has certainly been a blessing.
My mind should feel more liberated than it did in Kindergarten,
but :
for some reason, it doesn't.
And that's no fault of my mind, I'm sure.
I believe it's my own fault, and I'd like to get to the bottom of it.
(What a shame it is to have every freedom, and yet know no liberation!)
So, what is keeping my mind so blocked? What could I possibly be so hung up on that causes me to disable myself from experiencing the full extent of God's peace
_____________________
So I wrote all this, then pressed shift+enter to make a clean new line when, at the exact same time, some related pop-up box did what it does best, causing me to unknowingly consent to the affirmative of its offer and totally end the writing process. Aka, all the above was gone and I was back to the home page. Without all of the above. It was not my favorite feeling. It took me a few minutes to remember how -- a long, agonizing few minutes of debating between trying to start all over and making a completely new post -- but memory and perseverance thankfully got the better of me, and now I'm back here.
But not without a new surge of thought. This is what I wrote in between the beginning of this post and thiiiiiiiiiiiis exact point:
"Spiritual warfare is an outrageous thing. I pray God allows the following post to
flow well and uninterrupted, that he might help me to learn more about myself and
what He desires for my life where I am, right now.
I don't know a lot about it, but I know it has an uncanny way of making life
inconvenient and difficult.
There is this battle going on for my mind right now. I was just making a new post
(getting pretty deep into my own mind to try and ) "
that's the point that I realized all hope was not lost. Thank the Lord and the developers of this website for the auto save function. Back to where we started, now...
____________________
... I left off in the middle of an attempt to figure out what exactly was causing my mind to be so blocked off from the freedom I could be knowing... and.. maybe it does have a little to do with spiritual warfare? I'm not saying I have everything right and the devil is just wiggling his little butt in between my mind and God's peace and pushing his arms out on either side to get them as far away from each other as possible... but it might have a little to do with what is going on.
In my devotion this morning, I was offered these verses:
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of
God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle
is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities,
against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the
heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of
evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done
everything, to stand.
- Ephesians 6:10-13
You might say they were well-timed. I think God has a good way of doing things like that.
One thing I have thought a lot about lately is getting a job. There are sundry good reasons for doing so:
- To develop personal responsibility
- To create some sort of financial foundation for the rest of my life
- To keep my gas tank full
- To support my thrifting / fine groceries expenditures
- To meet new people
- To learn new things
and various other advantages.
Now me, I'm a do-er. I like to search. I like to research. I like to spend my time searchkindly.com and wikipedia-ing the answers to many of the questions that come my way in the course of my daily life. It is satisfying to finally know how my stomach growls, what the weather will be like next Thursday, what makes my eye twitch. I thought it would be just as satisfying to explore the various job-listing possibilities for an opportunity to do some good hard work.
And it has been nice to know what's out there, to know that I'm trying, to come up with a resume and let it work its magic. But it has taken a lot of time.
I don't think it's a bad thing, to spend time on those sorts of pursuits, but I think I have managed to make it slightly disadvantageous by spending more time thinking about jobs than thinking about Jesus.
Where do I draw a balance?
At what point do I concede from the steady effort and say "okay, Lord. I will maintain an open mind and open eye for other possibilities that I may have missed, or that you might find to be better-suited for what you have in mind for me. But for now, I will stop searching like I have been"?
It's not just job searching that has my mind occupied, I guess. I have been doing a lot of searching about schools and possibilities for future endeavors, too. I have been searching program listings and university websites to find that gem of a degree, the thing I might want to study, to learn more about.
I have utilized the map function of searchkindly.com time and time again to calculate the distance from here to there, home to work, Ohio to New Mexico, New Mexico to Oregon.
I am trying so desperately to search for what God might want from my life, when really He might want something completely different, when really He might want my search to start somewhere else, when really he might not call for this sort of searching at all...
Could it be we start finding when we stop looking?
That I start discovering when I stop searching?
How do I stop 'searching,' yet still actively pursue what God wills for my life?
Is there a balance?
If so, where?
I just want God to have compleeeeeeete control. Just to take over everything. What does this look like?
I know he has a FANTASTIC plan for me, for you, for all of us that He will be -- is -- setting in motion in order to let his glory shine full-force, so I feel absolutely comfortable, or at least, absolutely confident, about asking him to take over. I just don't know if I'm doing it right, if I'm letting him do so.
I pray God, that you take over, and that you teach me how not to get in the way of that. I just want to do what you want me to do, God. Help me to discover what that is. May my feet and my hands and my mind and every part of me always be engaged in exactly what pleases you.
Maybe there are a million things I could be doing to please him. Maybe he doesn't want me to think that I have to be 'doing' anything at all. I really don't know. But he does. I'm absolutely dependent on his grace and mercy for every move I make.
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