Ohh my

Well, I went to bed last night with the intention of getting lots of rest for work today! After I got comfy and managed the longest uninterrupted (not to mention, completed!) prayer of my entire life (I guess there's a first for everything!) I found my eyes open and my mind very much the same, neither overcome by any sense of drowsiness. I looked at the clock.
It was 9:30.

haha! I don't know whaaat I was thinking, trying to go to bed that early.
true, a 6:30 alarm was in the future, but in terms of alarms and waking up these days, it was by no means the near future! Even if I did manage comatose at this time, it surely wouldn't last ten hours. Unless maybe I was having the greatest dream of all. But you have to be asleep to work something like that.

to maximize the use of my mental capacity and availability, I started thinking on a project that just recently came to know what can be called its 'primary stages.' I appealed to God for ideas, and he immediately sent one! I'm still trying to process it, trying to see whether He might lead me to something else by way of additional thought on it, but for now we've got a good start.
I'll have to research the cost of fake bricks here in Columbus. Sounds wacky for sure! but I think we're building at something :).

Hopefully they are cheaper than this! Maybe there is a bulk discount or something.

(*Aside: I am surprised to see just how many flickr images of fake bricks! Who'dve thought!)

Well, so -- I set off back for some sleep by now. After some minutes of profundity of thought (that is to say, an attempt at 'not' thinking) my mind managed a small bout of calm, and then hesitated none in coming back 'round to its restless gamboling, shining an obnoxious beam of light about all in my mind that had just managed to settle down under the blessing of its temporary little mind-lended sleepy dust. Heavens, I can't believe I just created that sentence.

It was 10:30.

Really, now?

Quick rest, then restlessness came back again, and I realized it would be nice to use the restroom. Yes, that would be a great idea!
Hello, 10:50!

Like any sensible person, I began to think about what could aid my inability to keep my eyes shut, and my mind at ease.
Reading, of course! Maybe if I forced my mind and eyes to stay open, they would eventually come around to doing what they do best and defy all of my present energies to make them work the way I want. Reverse psychology, for myself! How novel.

Novel! haha.

So novel, in fact, that it took on the guise of Robert M. Pirsig's Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. We read it in 10th grade, but frankly I forgot just about all that happened, except for the part where he stares at the wall for three days and defecates all over himself. Of course I'd remember that. But even then, I don't remember why he did it. A re-read was in order.
Generally, this idea works pretty well.
Unfortunately, the book is actually pretty interesting.
I capped the experience at the end of the first chapter, and went back to sleep.

To sleep.
Sleep!
It lasted hours, this time!

Then I woke up, again, surprised not because it happened, but because I had made it all the way to 1:36 am! And I felt less awake, like a poco groggy maybe, (accomplishment!) but awake, nonetheless. I checked facebook, and then under the assumption that God wanted me up for a reason, decided to document this little escapade that you're reading now!

You will be happy to know that, 42 minutes later, I am feeling pretty tired!

And I realize, now, that my 6:00 pm attempt at fashioning my own homemade iced cappuccino (and then of course proceeding to consume it!) was probably not the keenest way to secure a good night's sleep.

I am glad to have had this time to learn that enjoying caffeinated anything late in the evening really does have an effect on me! That or God really wanted me to write this. Or both!!
I also learned that, for myself personally, insomnia-inspired writing tends to bear a lot of exclamation (!).

Once I read that, if it is a lucid dream you desire, all you have to do is wake up for an hour in the middle of the night, then go back to sleep, with a few hours' sleep left between then and the time you wake up. I always wanted to try it, but never found the time, or ability!
Happily, I report, that this has created the perfect circumstances to experiment with this particular sleep-situation. Yay!

Allow me to leave you with some flickr results for 'lucid dream' (I still have five minutes to round off a whole hour!)

Some I appreciate;



Others -- not so much!




But such is life.


This one was borderline both, I had to include it.



My five minutes is up! And six minutes additionally expended! Hopefully it still works :).

Sweet dreams!

How Nice

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received,
and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be confident knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones,
and allow your soul the freedom to
sing
dance
praise, and
love.
It is there for each and every one of us.
- Mother Theresa, Her Prayer



Sounds of laughter shades of life are ringing through my open ears exciting and inviting me Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns It calls me on and on across the universe
- The Beatles, Across the Universe

I'm very excited to look back on this someday and think "Wow, how amazing is it that you have answered that prayer this way, God?! Thanks for getting me to write it down!"

That said,



God,

I pray that you would develop in me a heart for you, a heart that gravitates toward what you love, and grieves over those things rallying for your opposition.

Help me see the world as you see it, and to respond to it with love.

Guide me.

Develop also in me a passion, a passion for something. A passion that drives me to serve you with everything I have, a passion that draws me up and draws others in.

Please help me to see all things beautiful, to fully appreciate every part of this life that you give me.

To find a Godly community to belong to, to share life with, to grow with.

To always be appreciative of life.

To serve others like you do.


Thank you.
In Jesus name, amen.

It's official

the go is no longer.

I'm not going and I'm not sad about it!

Praise God for:
decisionmaking
peace
lessons
learning
teaching us to stick with our hearts
being in our hearts to make them credible for sticking with

Amen.

So...

Yesterday was interesting!

First, mom and I prepared to take some rugs to the laundromat.

I got a call from one of the elders of our church that I had requested to speak with. He, his wife, and I were going to meet for dinner Wednesday to discuss some of the recent goings-on, but he remembered that they had a prior engagement for their grandson's birthday then, and did I desire to arrange another time? I suggested that anytime would be fine, and we could even just talk on the phone if that would be easier. Is now a good time for you, he asked? Now was. We talked then, and for the next 37 minutes.

He was a forwarding agent for missionaries in Zimbabwe years back, and also had served as the Missions Chairman at a different church for years back in the day. You might say hes had a little experience with these sorts of things.

Anyway, he had a lot of wisdom to share, and had brought up many points that I had never considered before. More tough things to chew on, more of those 'nutritive juices' to grow from...
and, long story short, I have come to decide that China is not in my immediate future.

As exciting and spectacular as the opportunity is,
and as rewarding an experience as I'm sure it would be,
I've come to realize that I'm just not ready.
While I'm sure God would take great care of me while I was there,
and would make the absolute best out of my efforts,
I just don't think it is the best thing for me to pursue right now.

And frankly, I still don't know what is.

One of the things he said that stuck in my mind was that we honor God with our preparation.
We all know I certainly didn't go about it the right way!

Sure, I did the best with what I was given, but there are many other consideration that I managed to gloss-over before with my idealism.

- Language

- Cultural considerations (reading up about it on a website once or twice doesn't quite cut it somehow!)

- The fact that I've never taught a class (which, apparently, isn't quite the big deal, but if I'm going to go into a situation like this, I should think I will want to have foundation enough to know, in my heart, that I was going to be the best teacher I could be. This way I would have confidence that would allow me to excel spiritually rather than be too preoccupied 'the teacherly things' to focus on anything else.

- I was not going out with a team, or going to join a large group of supporters. While the few there would, I'm sure, be tremendous support and would take care of me physically, emotionally and spiritually, there is just something about a strong network of believers that is important to be a part of.

- Those I would be joining have a different system of belief than do I. While they are sincere and have a great heart for God, pursuing this would put me in an awkward position. This hurt to realize. Just because they are different doesn't mean we can't work together for God, right? We could indeed still collaborate. But I would be representing, and identified as, something that wasn't exactly what I was all about. Perhaps that is not the best thing, for me, or for others that would desire to come to know God. Suppose they would ask how to know God and be saved? My choice, in responding, would either be to contradict those I was coming to work with or to contradict myself. I'd rather not do either.

There was a lot to consider, and a lot more preparation that should be done than should be fit into a week.

I thought about all this.

While we were waiting for the rugs to dry, I decided Id better call the visa service people when I got back home.

I did. They said they could hold it for me.
I checked my email. It said my visa payment had been denied! According to the time on the email, this had happened before I had even made the decision to not continue my pursuit.
If you want to know the details, I can tell you, otherwise I'll just let you know that I made a goofy mistake!

"Let's just go to lunch," I said.

The plan was to go to Banana Leaf for lunch, because I have been wanting to go all summer long and we finally had an opportunity! We got in the car to make our way there, and mom noticed that the our little garden at the top of the driveway needed watering. Could she do that before we left for lunch? I said yes, and checked the mail.

There were the usual bills of course, but also part of this particular delivery were two different peoples' contributions to my China trip (including one of their company's matched support) and my acceptance letter to the University of New Mexico.

I handed the letter to mom and started crying. Five seconds later (just long enough for her to take in the congratulatory remarks) we were laughing. School is scheduled to start Monday, August 25th.
What in the world?!
It turns out they had been sent to my Johnson address, and then took more time to arrive back here. Great timing :).
I contemplating getting everything ready, but realized again that there is a lot more preparation that would be nice to do before heading back to school. A lot more than should be fit into a week.

We finally made our way 'round to Banana Leaf, and found it was closed.
Mom remembered another Indian restaurant further down Bethel road that all the doctors raved about all the time. We went there.
It was delicious!

Afterward we stopped at Mike and Lisa's and saw the boys. They have grown up so quickly! Brandon was doing this hilarious impression of a couple of Indian men that sat in front of them on a roller coaster. Who knows what young kids take in?? He sounded pretty legit.

We went to Grandma and Grandpa's afterward so mom could pick up her car, which she left there for the weekend (some driving arrangement for work and heading to the Bass fishing tournament in Pennsylvania.) We talked for a long time as Schlaegels always do. Grandpa wanted to fill up my gas tank so we went and did that (bless him) and then headed out to go back home. I think it was the first time Id had to myself to think all day long. That was nice.

Mom had the radio on in the car (for the first time since forever) and a song came on as I was almost home. It didn't catch my mind until I heard this:



When setbacks and failures, and upset plans,
Test my faith and leave me with empty hands,
Are you not the closest when it's hardest to stand?
I know that you will finish what you began.

...

And these broken parts you redeem,
Become the song, that I can sing

Here I am, Lord send me,
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord send me,
Somehow my story, Is a part of your plan,
Here I am

Overwhelmed by the thought of my weakness,
And the fear that I'll fail you in the end,
In this mess, I'm just one of the pieces,
I can't put this together but you can.



Later that night I made some phone calls.

So

China.

Finally got the visa sent!

Recently, not going to lie, I have had a hard time, a mental conundrum of sorts. It seems a lot of those I love and respect, those with more life experience, more wisdom, more opinions than I have, are not feeling the jolliest about these China plans.

Yes, it was fast
No, I probably didn't think about it long enough
Maybe it's not what God had in mind

but then again maybe
just maybe
it will be alright.

It is something that has definitely been on my mind lately; should I go? should I not? whaaat do I do ? Perhaps the thought process is catching up with me -- not much thought before the decision, a ton now :) -- I have considered, and deeply respect the thoughts and advice of my superiors. And after all this consideration.... I have decided to maintain a steadfast "yes!" Yes, I will go. All the thought may have been hard to chew at first, but it has gotten softer, soft enough to swallow even, and I have gained tremendously from all of the nutritive juices that have leaked out of it!

Certainly the last thing I want to do is displease anybody with this decision, but I think God will work with it, whether I had the sense to go about it 'the right way' or not.

I wish this could be organized in a more sophisticated, sensible way, but the following will just be a pouring out of the thoughts that have been developing as a result of all this processing.

- Romans 8:28 (Message Version)
"...we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."
I know, in my heart, that I am going because of God. Perhaps it is not His immediate will for my life. (Frankly I can't say that I know what that is.) But because I want to make His glory as apparent as humanly, governmentally, linguistically possible.
Because of this, because He has set this desire in my heart to please Him with my life, I believe it will go well.

- It's true, I have within me the potential to share His love and to make His glory known anywhere, in any endeavor, in any pursuit; in China, in the U.S., in the grocery store down the street. And that's what I have been striving to do, working toward daily with my life. One day at a time, learning, tripping, learning more...One day at a time for Him.
It just so happens that one of those days, this opportunity came!

- It is a great opportunity, indeed. And what a better time for me to go! Sure, maybe even a months' more preparation would have been better, but in that 'big picture,' I currently have no bindings, educational, relational, work-related, or otherwise.

- I am young, but perhaps this isn't such a bad thing. Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity. -1Timothy 4:12

- More of this great opportunity talk! Let's take a look:
Even if it weren't for missions, it is, like, the best deal anyone could ever ask for. Only a plane ticket and visa costs up-front (and these will be reimbursed later) and the rest is covered.

*Free room and board in a good apartment
*I'll get the chance to learn another language for free (both by default, and through daily
tutoring)
*I'll come to know what it's really like to be a missionary, to live cross culturally, to be far out of my comfort zone, to depend fully on God.

- It is an experience I have been working toward through my life, my education, mine and others prayers... and one that has the potential to teach me more than I could have ever expected.

God has allowed for this to be, and we know that He will not bring our direction anything that He doesn't believe we can't handle. I don't think He would be misleading in having opened all these doors!

I am excited and thankful for this opportunity.
May God's will be done.

Today / Mental Notes

I'm sending for the Visa. After working a couple days at the box factory, I have finally come up with enough dollars to go ahead and send it to be processed. Mental note: save the receipt.

Also, I need to begin to think about the lesson plans. They have suggested that I prepare a months' worth before I get there to make for a nice foundation to start from. Doing them here and knowing what to expect later on will, I suppose, help me understand more about the necessary resources, time, thought processes for composing a lesson. It may be that I won't need them, depending on the school's curriculum, but that's alright, it just means preparation for later!

For whatever reason, I have yet to talk to a couple of the strong mentors in my life about this development! I'll see Mr. Dale (the honey man) at the farmer's market this morning (I'm finally able to go! Plenty of time this Saturday) but I haven't even emailed Mr. Darden at the Tennessee CSF, or Senor Dungan from la escuela yet. I wonder why this has happened? It might also be good to get an email out to the Schlaegel side of the family, so they might know what's going on!

Also to do today: Give half price books a ring, see if they haven't got any Chinese/Mandarin-English dictionaries.

Stop at the bank, deposit check, switch some savings into checking.


It's odd to think I'll be leaving ten days from now. I'm definitely not ready yet.
But there is still time to prepare.
Trust God, Ash.
He's got the best in mind.

Sleep

is a beautiful, precious thing.

When I drive home without enough of it, my mind makes funny shapes out of the lights and the road.

Praise God for rest, and the satisfaction that comes with it.

There is so much I should be writing right now about China, mostly the whole stage of doubt and whatnot after the nearly overwhelming onslaught of others' severe hesitancy in the situation. Afterward, though, as everyone has been praying, mom and grandma (and I think grandpa and dad, both!) have a tremendous peace and sense of acceptance about the idea. How cool is this!

I'm very tired right now. There are a bazillion things to do, but one God to serve. May I serve you, God, in the way everything is handled, in all the things I set out to do.

I have successfully fallen asleep / began to daydream twice in the writing of this post. Time for bed!

p.s. -- three times. Sleepy time go!

p.p.s. -- four. The end (for now!) : )

Glory to God!

Yes indeed.

Yesterday I got a phone call from China

This may as well be written down because, as Dad says, if it turns out to be the beginning of some incredible new development, it will be most beneficial to have kept record of the very initial points, or, in this case, a preface (of sorts.) And, if it happens to be something I'd never get into again, then I'd best write about it because it is an experience to remember. Either way, then, there is no excuse not to write.
Glory to God.

Just so youall know, I've Sufjan playing on the ipod and all of my favorites have played back-to-back. 4 in a row, now, out of all of them. God loves. God loves us.
(All the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands
Redford
That Dress Looks Nice on You
Vito's Ordination Song)


About a month ago after church as we were drawing the weekly Schlaegel-Family reunion to a close, I crossed paths with Mrs. Barb Jones. In the process of our catching up, she, like many other inquisitive loved ones as of late, said something to the tune of:

"So I saw that you're all done with school now! That's so great!
What was it you studied again?
What is the plan, now? "
_______

Yes, yes it is!
I studied Missions and the Bible!
Good question!

(Interjection)
HE JUST MADE REPLAY ONE OF THE AFOREMENTIONED ^ FAVORITES, that is, the one that, when I hear it, captivates my heart and reminds that he loves me so so much.. deeply, intimately. So much.
(I am blown away.)



After she heard missions, I believe some synapses flared in her mind that led her to suggest to me
"Oh, welll, speaking of missions, somebody mentioned to me recently something about how they're needing help in China or Japan or something like that. I can't remember which one it is, but I'll just find out and let you know next week!"

Oh my gosh.. He just did it again. The same one, Hes made play, like, every other song.
My heart has that exploding feeling.
Melting, now.

He's doing it again.

So the next week rolls around (June 22nd, now) and to my dismay, I did not see Barb! I did, however, see Ms. Candice, who informed me that someone informed her to inform me ... :) ... that it was neither China, nor Japan, it was Cambodia. I asked her if she knew what 'it' was, exactly. She said she had no clue. I said okiedokie.
After church mom and I stole away to the Worthington Art Festival. Not twenty two minutes after arriving, we ran into Bill and Tri, a husband and wife couple who are friends from church. The inevitable question about education and plans slipped its way in again, which I addressed with all my updates, and even mentioned that somebody mentioned something about Cambodia that could be cool, and it would be neat to learn more about.
Tri said: "Oh! Youuuuuuu're the one Barb talked to! I was the one that told her about that! Bill and I have friends that just left to do missions work, and they're actually looking for [good examples] to hire as English teachers..." She filled me in on more details, and got my information.

Later that week, I got an email from her saying that I should feel free to contact John and Cheri, her friends. I did so. They were nice, and we began to learn more about each other through exchanged emails. At one point about a week later they let me know that if I could send in my resume and picture, they could take a look around to see if there were any schools that could use me. I did so.

That was the last I heard from them since yesterday morning.

My cell phone rang with an unavailable number.
If there is a deep-voiced Bubble-Monster who sound like he's talking underwater, that's who was on the other line. I couldn't understand a thing, so the conversation ended shortly after I kindly suggested the caller might try to call back and hopefully it would work out better!

Five minutes later came another ringadingding on the cell phone. The number started with 861, and was followed by ten other numbers. That's an obscure phone number, I thought. I answered.

"Hello, is this Ashley Dawson?!"
"Yes, this is she :)"
"Hi Ashley, this is John, Bill and Tri's friend."

He said that they had tried using Skype before, but sometimes it just doesn't work so well. So he decided to give the direct line a shot. After explaining that, he gave me a local number, which connected to their 'home' computer in Ohio, and sent it along to them where they were. Which, I found out as the 47-minute conversation progressed, was not Cambodia, but instead, China. Surprises all over the place!

Anyway, we had a great conversation about where they lived, what they were doing, how they had been praying for somebody to join them... And did I still think this was something I was up for? I said it certainly was cool and sounds great, I just haven't made a decision yet. Then he told me about the process for actually making it happen, which brought me round to the reality that was the urgency of making a decision. No pressure, of course, but it would be really great if, for the purpose of getting everything together, should need be, I could let them know that evening. 12 hours later.

I wish my writing skills and mind were fresh enough to put together this vibrant, awesome, well-writted, all-details-included story of how this has all happened, but unfortunately I'm getting a bit sleepy. For this reason, I will bring up the following information/facts/tidbits
-like
-so

- They need someone to teach in the 'Middle School' setting (age 11-14)
- That person would be teaching Oral English
- Room / board covered, small salary paid, just need to purchase plane ticket to get there, which
would be reimbursed later. They would also pay for the ticket back home.
- The term lasts one year
- I would need to be there by August 29th

- Surprise.

There is so much else to mention.. for the sake of selectivity...
- I evaluated my personal reasons for not going, and realized that they were, for the most part, pretty selfish:
*I would not get to visit Tennessee / Candice / Leah, Wendy, Rachel, Matt, Nikki...
* I would not get to visit New Mexico and spend more time with Dad and Kathleen
* It's not home / Mom / Ohio / Schlaegel family...
* I would not be working a "job" that will pay super well (more mom's concern, but I see the validity)

Anyway, it occurred to me that these are completely selfish. I, I, I.
Wasn't it getting through that God had placed this need, this opportunity immediately in front of me? That He was giving me -- me! -- the opportunity to allow him to work through me to help others know how much he loves them!

A couple verses helped me as I considered these things...

Matthew 10:39
"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

2 Corinthians 5: 13-15
"If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again."

My life is not my own.


Latest news: I called last night, and said yes.

They are devising the contract and will send it today, then it will be official.


Gloria a Dios!