There's a certain, pronounced

Faithfulness in light;

Lightness in faith.

the winds of change are blowin' wild and free

Weekend Highlights

Saturday

Woke up to overhear Dad recording Make You Feel My Love (3).mp3 early in the mornin.

Got ready later, and Dad suggested we go get lunch... nice surprise -- he brought me here!  Everything was really good, but the saag paneer was the best I've ever tasted.

We drove around downtown NM,
(and, consequently, the Motel and Octopus Carwash featured in Breaking Bad,) 

 

and then stopped at a nearby flea market.  They sold bags of sugar cane there!

We closed out the evening with a nice in-home viewing of the movie UP, and I got a chance to work on some Christmas cards.  So pleasant, and great quality time.

Sunday

Lunch and journal writing-Jane Austen break at Flying Star Cafe, followed by
catch-up Christmas shopping for Dad and Kathleen, which brought me to

-- maybe the greatest store in the world.  At the very least, it's the largest co-op in the nation.
I hadn't even heard of it before, but today I was on the hunt for Smart Wool socks and after striking out at the local sporting goods store, someone suggested I try them.  They had quite the intelligent stock!

After some successful shopping, I came home to make some chocolate cookies for Dad... early Christmas present -- usually they're sent in the mail and nowhere near as fresh, so this was a treat :).

Bed now so I can wake up early for my flight to Ohio!  Never been this excited about Columbus in my life... I think it has something to do with the people there.  Home again, home again :o).

(t)here

On my car ride from Arizona to New Mexico yesterday, I ran the usual vehicular audio entertainment gamut; starting slow and deliberate with NPR,
changing pace with predictable cd, (first hour road trip's still a novelty)
and bringing elements of mystery with a shufflin mp3 (combating the monotony of 90 miles of nothing but 'straight')
to finding more pleasure in silence. (Usually takes a build-up; too early and the body tend towards sleep..  because, of course, nights before leavings are always late ones, no matter how diligent the desire to prepare better 'next time'.)

Always a gift, because silence makes silent thoughts
that much more audible.

This time, the combination gave me this:

steady thoughts of New York City, paired with mental associations of friends out together having fun and growing closer as a group (thank you, media) and so, essentially, a universal mindset of metropolitan expectations; community, new sights, old familiar acquaintances, and a diversity of musical and creative outlets -- live shows, drinks with friends, the shared space of cozy wood interior and dim lights and
light clanking, light talking, sometimes close to a friend's ear so it's clear enough, and
time, calm enough to see dust in light beams, and
silhouettes of adoring fellow-appreciators of all things right brained and alive, moving, breathing; left-brained enough to be getting somewhere with all of it.

and the painful realization that everything like this is so far from my life right now, which makes me cry
because silence and alone time make silent thoughts feel that much more emotionally profound, even when the thoughts are simple.

which leads to thinking to God about why my mind and heart treasure 'life like that' so dearly?

"I'm enamored by the hair on the head of the live musician, mussed but shiny in the light, because he's poetic and lives a poetic life."
"and I'm enamored by the silhouettes of all the other warm heads there because they appreciate the value in this."

Is there something in the appreciation of all this I can take away and make a part of my own life now, which time has seen fit to replace (these ideals of songs and friends and nights out) with pine trees, pine trees and
sitting alone on dark gray flannel to bask nightly in the light from the lamp in the far corner, and a string of them draped over the window,
to wonder?

Don't get me wrong God, I like pine trees, but despite the number and length of our visits, they're not the same as friends.

"... but haven't they laughed with you, stayed faithful and relaxed in place, made of having all the time in the world to discuss deep matters together?  And haven't they humbly shared wisdom volumes deeper than
many of those you know with heads and less-rooted lives and occupations?"
. . .
"I want to be with poets."
"Poet here.  Live the beauty of all you see.
I formed trees as enduring friends, but none have
your mout/h/ear/t/ongu/e/yes."

i (f)ly

busted lamp repair

God please
give to my eyes to work the way you made them.
To see your truth and beauty, and
internalize your light.

Lightbulb with no filament
knows just how I feel.

Go all Edison on me and let's make something happen,
I'm sorry for and tired of dusting in the corner under off-white obscurity
when you made me for so much more.

If our lives are our memories,
let's form good ones.

Perfect Judgement

Holiness means:
knowledge of your musical preference
gives me full license to form determinations about your character.
And you'd expect nothing less.

And Will You?

Like a tree-friendly meadow you happen upon
on a walk you take
because you have to find her

How happy she feels to have you,
how full you feel to know shes been waiting.

She welcomes you with peace
and hers becomes yours
she warms and cools and
quiets you with a grace not her own
and you're covered

this meadow's contours
remain
shaped into this land

and would you?

trees and high grasses live quiet lives,
   only the wind supplies their voice.

and only you can hear.
.

Compass Compassion

And doesn't a part of you feel bad for Noriega,
unwelcome in his own home
after so long?

No matter how many circles we run,
how wide or hand-smeared;
we all start from a point.

How late we learn to go home.

Faithful Living

By faith
we understand that the universe was created by the word of God,
so that



what was seen was not made out of things that were visible.

friends

Have you ever thought about all the elderly people living alone in New York City? 

You Know You're Growing Up When...

you're more critically interested in the head of the toothbrush than its color.

That's a Word

cat·a·falque/ˈkatəˌfô(l)k/

Noun:

A decorated wooden framework supporting the coffin of a distinguished person during a funeral or while lying in state.

Let's Move

from light to light.
From here on obscurity is a no go.

Lord

at thy birth.

God, coming into the height of your power as a baby.

What does this teach us about humility,willful subjection?

fiel

He's always been faithful.

I keep reading about places in the Bible where significant events went down, and those involved left signposts -- memorials of sorts -- as visual, tangible means to remember how God made his presence and care real among them.

These are structures, usually made of something sturdy, and lasting.  They're given names - names with meaning, always indicating something about God's character.

How quick I am to accept God's goodness as general provision, my 'given' share, an expected gift.
This seems devoid of gratitude, or delight, or pleasure.
It's just another day,
meal,
sunset,
breath,
thoughtful note,
phone call,
walk,
breath.

Who am I to think I deserve these things?  The moment I stop treasuring them is the moment I forget how much God loves and looks out for me.

He's the one who loved me enough to treasure me first.  Can I accept that he loves me enough to evidence it in every tiny treasure he places along my day's path?  Maybe it starts with simply having eyes to see them again for what they are; gestures, gifts, reciprocal treasures.

Everything comes from him.  It should be enough that he allows us to know him -- but to let us be part of him?  To grace us to gain his glory in every detail of our lives?

How should we respond?
With delight.
With pleasure.
With creative thanksgiving.

And maybe we can even find ways to return it.

Surely

You provide for me, too.

Photo credits: http://www.flickr.com/photos/nilzxx

Light

It's always darkest before the dawn.

Photo by tpjerematic.deviantart.com

hold on

I know
I haven't reason to be
but God I feel so
lonely
lonely
lonely.

The LORD your God is with you,
     the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
     in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
     but will rejoice over you with singing.
                                   Zephaniah 3:17

Please don't let me forget.

So much
I don't
understand.

Giving Love

"He had walked through woods and sat at night beside a campfire.  Although he had through the memories learned about the pain of loss and loneliness, now he gained, too, an understanding of solitude and its joy.

  What is your favorite?  Jonas asked The Giver.  You don't have to give it away yet, he added quickly.
   Just tell me about it, so I can look forward to it, because I'll have to receive it when your job is done.  
The Giver smiled.  Lie down, he said.  I'm happy to give it to you.
Jonas felt the joy of it as soon as the memory began.  Sometimes it took a while for him to get his bearings, to find his place.  But this time he fit right in and felt the happiness that pervaded the memory.
 
He was in a room filled with people, and it was warm, with firelight glowing on a hearth.  He could see through a window that outside it was night, and snowing.  There were colored lights: red and green and yellow, twinkling from a tree which was, oddly, inside the room.  On a table, lighted candles stood in a polished golden holder and cast a soft, flickering glow.  He could smell things cooking, and he heard soft laughter.  A golden-haired dog lay sleeping on the floor.
  On the floor there were packages wrapped in brightly colored paper and tied with gleaming ribbons,  As Jonas watched, a small child began to pick up the packages and pass them around the room:  to other children, to adults who were obviously parents, and to an older, quiet couple, man and woman, who sat smiling together on a couch.
   While Jonas watched, the people began one by one to untie the ribbons on the packages, to unwrap the bright papers, open the boxes and reveal toys and clothing and books.  There were cries of delight.  They hugged one another.
  The small child went and sat on the lap of the old woman, and she rocked him and rubbed her cheek against his.
   Jonas opened his eyes and lay contentedly on the bed, still luxuriating in the warm and comforting memory.  It had all been there, all the things he had learned to treasure.

  What did you perceive? The Giver asked.

  Warmth, Jonas replied.  And happiness.  And -- let me think. Family. That it was a celebration of some sort, a holiday.  And something else -- I can't quite get the word for it.

It will come to you.

Who were the old people?  Why were they there?

It puzzled Jonas, seeing them in the room.  The Old of the community did not ever leave their special place, the House of the Old, where they were so well cared for and respected.

They were called Grandparents.

Grand parents?
Grandparents.  It meant parents-of-the-parents, long ago.

Back and back and back?  Jonas began to laugh.  So actually, there could be parents-of-the-parents-of-the-parents-of-the-parents?  The Giver laughed, too.

That's right.  It's a little like looking at yourself looking in a mirror looking at yourself looking in a mirror.  Jonas frowned.

But my parents must have had parents!  I never thought about it before.  Who are my parents-of-the-parents?  Where are they?
You could go look in the Hall of Open Records.  You'd find the names.  But think, son.  If you apply for children, then who will be their parents-of-the-parents?  Who will be their grandparents?

My mother and father, of course.

And where will they be?

Jonas thought.  Oh, he said slowly.  When I finish my training and become a full adult, I'll be given my own dwelling.  And then when Lily does, a few years later, she'll get her own dwelling, and maybe a
spouse, and children if she applies for them, and then Mother and Father ---

That's right.

As long as they're still working and contributing to the community, they'll go and live with the other Childless Adults.  And they won't be part of my life anymore.  And after that, when the time comes, they'll go to the House of the Old.  Jonas went on.  He was thinking aloud.  And they'll be well cared for, and respected, and when they're released, there will be a celebration.

Which you won't attend, the Giver pointed out.

No, of course not, because I won't even know about it.  By then I'll be busy with my own life.  And Lily will, too.  So our children, if we have them, won't know who their parents-of-parents are, either.It seems to work pretty well that way, doesn't it?  The way we do it in our community?  Jonas asked.  I just didn't realize there was any other way, until I received that memory. 

It works, The Giver agreed.

Jonas hesitated.  I certainly like the memory, though,  I can see why it's your favorite.  I couldn't quite get the word for the whole feeling of it, the feeling that was so strong in the room.

Love, The Giver told him."



From The Giver, by Lois Lowry.

Nightlight Daydreaming

                               Photo courtesy of http://joshgarrels.blogspot.com/

I would like for something like this to be in my life.

Hope for the Future

Amelie

always cheers me up!

"Shut up and Listen"

Takes some effort to pry my mind off these headphones.
I want to listen to the Holy Spirit, but only if He's on Spotify.

I'm tired of music that goes nowhere.
Take me to heaven or leave me alone.


I'm tired of some things
the way I'm tired of ill-fitting clothes.
There's a reason they no longer fit comfortably
and it's not your fault.

The day hope got heavier than the heart that held it.

search for hope in a soft voice
and        yell       at yourself
whispering lingers far
too easily misinterpreted

the words you need wait lined up before you
not in a face
not on your tongue
not in a thousand million shouts
but in as many days

For where your treasure is
              getting a haircut
              moving away
              failing to notice

                                                 your heart will be also.

Don't put your hope on my shoulders
because they slant down
and that's the way they were made
and no matter how much i work out
that will never change.


if i knew what to say i would have spoken louder.

"i do what i do cause there is a need"

Grandma said to me 'if you only have one bean
 and you meet someone with no bean
you should give them half your bean
'cause you will be less hungry
if you eat just half a bean
than if you eat a whole bean
in front of somebody with no bean.'

Communication - 2

Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Flickr, Spotify... Blogger.
Status updates, posts, entries.
Check-in's, checking-out's.
Pro fotos.
Profiles.
Likes.

To Whom are we living?
To what aim do we socialize?

Paradise

We can dream about Paradise, and we can pray about experiencing it here, now.  Or both.



I know the sun was set to rise.

love

Love well. It's impossible on our own, but with God's grace through Jesus we have seen a perfect example how, and with this understanding, opportunity to receive the perfect power to do the same. Love is all that really lasts. Whatever keeps us from choosing it bears no weight against the joy, peace and reward of the pain it takes to 'love anyway.' Give it a go. See how it feels. 
Thankful for the love I've been shown, even when I didn't appreciate or ever deserve it.
With God's help, the best love is beyond us, and within us.

ich weiß ich werde leben weil du bist

Cardiac Chronology

You offer us poetic life,
We return coarse jokes
dull from overuse and
less thought.

Words bring richness to my life like coffee my late morning.
Coffee brings richness to my life like a freshly-discovered seventh sense.

God gave us senses,
we have forfeited them for pleasurable conveniences
pass on

Temporary belongs to time
Eternity birthed it

Enduring satisfaction exists
the instant your heart skips.

Does it
feel
taste
sound
smell
look
like You Are here?

In my debt to everything temporary
You poked a hole inside your heart,
and out came the wind of all that has been or ever will be.
You said "breathe deep."
it was for me.

God rests.

If God created relaxation, down time, sleep cycles, sloths, and green sea turtles
and everything points to his distinct distinctness,
He's gotta be the most chill anything in all of space and within and beyond.

"It is the Lord who goes before you.  He will be with you; He will not fail you or forsake you.  Do not fear or be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8

"The eternal God is your dwelling place,
and underneath are the everlasting arms." Deuteronomy 33:27

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies,
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
forever."
 Psalm 23

(If 'forever' really means forever, does it include right now?
If so, this means that by following Him,  we're enjoying our places as guests in his household right now.
Surely He's a Host among hosts.)

Forever?  Forever ever?
I AM for real.

SnoWarmsNow

Your peace flutters, and so do our hearts
Your sky opens
now so our arms
no way this is a passing warmth.

But I can feel us passing warmth.


Image found on this blog.

Goodness.

Earth's only true satisfaction is that beyond it.

No common ground to start from?

[But
all ground is -ground-]

We're all humans (most of us,) we're all a little insecure, we all love good time with others, we all have something to share.  We have all felt hurt, disappointment, and chilly gusts of despair now and then.

I hope we remember the warm reality that the sun always shines (regardless of how often something might come between its rays and our senses,) and even when we can't feel it, it's there.

We love love.  We'd rather do without unfairness, insincerity or that feeling that "this isn't how it's supposed to be."

Most of us are embarrassed or ashamed about something.  Most of us would rather not admit we're embarrassed or ashamed about anything.  Many times, we're embarrassed and ashamed about the same things. Many times, something in our life experience equips us to better understand those things and how to work through them.  Too many times, we keep ourselves from sharing.  We're too proud, we're too occupied with our own problems, we're too afraid it might come off as offensive or like others think we think we're better than they are.  Sometimes we are manipulative.  We don't take the time to check our motivations.  We realize the effect this has.  We're humbled.

So long as we live from a platitude of genuine caritas,
we have nothing to worry about.

We're strong.  We adjust.  We make choices.  Healthy choices.  Poor choices we'd rather call 'lessons.'  We'd rather not take responsibility.  At some point, we do it anyway.  We learn what's best.

We improve.  We encourage each other, and find we're grateful for others' encouragement and faithfulness.

We love love, but often have a difficult time living it like we know we should.

Let's not give up trying.

We have good reason to.

"Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. "
Colossians 3:12-14

Bob Marley on Dating

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyse and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."

Pretty sweet really, I like his honesty.  Most of it seems applicable to all our relationships, lovey-doves aside.

Digging the M X.  Grounded, insistent bass. Elevated lyrics.  Nice combo.

Too much editing and not enough revision.

October 27th

Jane Austen and Stash Chai.  Great morning, great season.

Amadeus

"Why?  Why would God choose an obscene child to be His instrument?"

Communication

He uses not spoken words, but whispers truth into images borne only by hearts opened at the eyelids.

Hanging from Your Branches

Today feels like growing up.  The mediocre things which used to please have lost their luster, and those of significance and meaning have not only remained, but risen to their places of rightful prominence.  Praise God for maturation, ripening, and developing our sweeter depths.

Scrap Medal

       

"I  like to make everything out of something old... anything I can find... everything."

I prayed for renewed love, hope and understanding, and God gave me Jeremiah.  I hoped as well to experience fall and he gave me Café Grotto, white chocolate mocha (not too sweet!) yellow leaves, their rustle, scatter and smell, and the perfect gift for a dear friend.

Not only does Café Grotto serve coffee, but also a fine craft gallery and metalworking studio.
Talk about inspiration.  I never appreciated metal works before yesterday; they always seemed too rough and  industrial for my taste.  After some years of experiencing appreciation and its lack, gathering 'preferences' and discerning distastes, however, God has taught me that much of what I readily dislike without any particular determination quickly becomes a fascinating reality after discussing it with Him, mulling it over with His Spirit.

He wastes not.  He exercises patient skill.  He not only sees potential, but makes it, and uses it to create more.  He delights in bringing meekness to austerity.  He knows nothing too sharp, too dull, too rusty, or too misshapen.  Hes made a million shades of brown.  Hes made a million shades of brown look glorious.

Metal, glass and wood are materials of contradictions. They are all strong and durable, yet soft and impressionable. Working under the most extreme conditions, fire, sparks and noise, I find the process of working with these materials exciting and inspiring. It is like performing a dance or painting a masterpiece. Smooth curves and gleaming patinas render lifelike qualities to these materials, otherwise known for coldness and rigidity. The final product dazzles the mind and stirs the soul.”

-Deb Moseman, Metal Artist

May God find our every shard at His disposal, available for His reworking; even those we have discounted as worn-out and useless.
'Rough and industrial' has become strong and industrious.
Surely He is a Crafter beyond any other.

lizz wRight

You are a place
where I can linger long
a study I am certain never to complete

I love the humble ecstasy of my heart's quest
to never find nor flag you
In this dance, I reach open handed with circling wrists,
careful not to pocket you in a knowing

In praise of dawn's uncertain light,
I wake and breathe slow,
and in the evening rest my head upon a
new page of reverence

never to be written
only to be turned

--lw

Return

                                         

                                                         

Looking at old pictures makes me want to make new, better ones.  I guess that means continually newer, better life.
That's only possible one way.

new discovery

instead of laughing, breathing out "ha ha ha ha ha," try "hallee hallee hallee hallee hallee!"
You will crack yourself up.

Your Way

is written on every pinecone,
every tree growth, if we could see from higher up,
every acorn cap and
drying animal crap.

The longer you look, the more life you see
The longer you look, the more death you see

C'est la vie
C'est la mort
C'est l'amour.

Water for life!

When it Gets Harder to Breathe

We learn:

Our limitations, to push a little harder, to slow down and to be more thankful for everything still possible.


Keep breathing, or else die.
(Our struggle does not come without benefit.)


...we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.
Romans 5:3-4

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
James 1:2-4

Matthew 7, and Lessons

both seem to have come up -- and together -- a lot lately.

It has taken me some time to realize that for each of the frustrations I face with the girls God has likely breathed just as heavy a sigh about the same thing in my life. Maybe even twice. Over my disrespect. Over my obstinacy to mature. Over how it takes me so long to learn, for example. By His grace though, it happens.
What a way to gain mercy!

"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor." Matthew 7:1-5, The Message Version

My biggest challenge now seems to offer an appropriate discipline, sewed up in understanding, kissed with mercy and extended with prayerful hope.

I got to attend church on the Ft. Apache Indian Reservation this morning. The service began with singing, followed by testimonies about prayer and its effects on the lives of a few special ladies willing to share. I love the simplicity of spoken testimonies and the contrite volumes they continue to communicate, with boldish humility, through the daily drastic and delicate differences of the changed lives who claim them.

In addition to one of the testimonies, the message given also addressed Matthew 7, and focused entirely on prayer.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, it will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8, ESV

What use have we in standing at a door with keen knowledge that we must knock? And what do we intend by knocking? First we should have a reason to be there.
Then our knuckles need to touch the wood.

We sigh relief to ask, He delights to respond.

In time,
we respond to His delight.
He responds to our delight.
We delight to respond.

Youwanna Tibet?

The more I learn, the more I'm awed by the Tibetan will.
The more I learn, the more I'm aware good always wins.
The more I learn, the more I realize I don't know what's best...
but God does and I pray He teaches us to follow Him.

"What has happened to the Native Americans, or the Native Australians, is happening in Tibet."
Lhasang Thering

"The impact and influence of these changes leave you with no option but to give up or adapt. The eventual consequence is likely to be that there is no longer a 'you' left...you will vanish in the end."
Woeser

"We already made up in our mind; not argue about independence, but simply to gain meaningful autonomy."
Dalai Lama

The Sun Behind the Clouds

Life at the Mission?

You may wonder. You may wonder what I'm talking about.
One month ago tomorrow I arrived at the American Indian Christian Mission (AICM) in Show Low, Arizona. Here they host a school for Native American youth from the Navajo and Apache reservations, homes an hour away from school. In this case, the students stay here throughout the week and return home on weekends.

My role here is to serve as house parent for the older girls, 7 total; four in 8th grade, and three in high school. As a house parent, I have the privilege of offering my energies to their care and well-being; making sure they're in (and out) of bed at the right times, helping keep them on-track academically, enforcing chore accountability, guiding their hearts and minds in God's wisdom and truth, helping teach them kindness, love, responsibility, and respect, and making absolutely sure they brush their teeth before they go to bed [the last of which has proven a much bigger challenge than anticipated. Apparently not everyone has fully known and appreciated the joys of the just-brushed clean feeling. All good things take work.]

My girls are a hoot, both individually and collectively. Little by little, I'm learning more about their personalities, cultural preferences, young-chica vernacular, and what's driving their hearts.

Mini-Exposé

Names: Tameca, Jaylene, Lindsey, Riscilla, Sheriden, Chalcey and Chestina.
Preferred Dress:
Younger Girls - 'Short pants' (basketball shorts,) Jordans (or similar style sneaker,) and either a big comfy t-shirt, or something with cute print.
Older Girls (and younger girls on fancier days) - Skinny jeans, cute shirts, high tops.
Favored Pasttimes: BASKETBALL, watching movies, eating junk food, time with friends.
Favorite Foods: Anything spicy, including jalapeños, and hot-anything; especially Cheetos. Hot Cheetos are a 'thing' here. Also, pickles and kool-aid. How did it even begin?! More on this later.
Commonly-spoken:
'cheap' - not good, uncomfortable, ugly
'ugly' - bad taste (food)
'champ' - cool, really, really good
'tastes-es,' 'costs-es' - tastes, costs...
'rez'd out' - ('ghetto')
...

Life at the mission is good, but also a challenge. While I'm learning more fun facts about the girls, I'm also discovering realities not so appealing. But they're real life nonetheless, and God equips us to bring His peace to everything; rather than turn away from them, I pray He continues to give us all the wisdom to address them well.

The Facts

The suicide rate on the reservations is 14 times the national average. In some way, each of the girls has been affected by suicide, through family members' deaths, friends complications, personal struggle, or some combination.

Many of the students here are purported to have some gang affiliation. Most claim identification because of a family member's connection, so their ties remain loose, but still a reality.

Drugs and alcohol remain a major problem on reservations, causing many broken relationships between parents and their children. Though parents love, they cannot show it as they might like, so many children take on adult roles, and care for these kids is transferred to Grandmothers and Aunties. Life expectancy is considerably lower on the reservations. Even though our kids see the effects and might 'know better,' they're still affected by the strong influence this example holds over their minds and experiences.

All of my girls have dealt or are dealing with self-harm in some way. Three of seven have indicated suicidal thoughts in the last few weeks. I could joke about hoping it's not because I'm laying down the law too thick for them to handle since I've been here (and in reality I'm inclined to express as much because I need the levity,) but my superiors have shared that it's a widespread problem, year after year. And no wonder; these kids are dealing with a LOT beyond their levels of maturity and development.

Experiences of sexual abuse and rape are even more common on the reservation than other areas where these issues are a large concern. Many of my girls have been affected by these, too.

These girls are teenagers. And adults. And little kids. They're experiencing immense amounts of responsibility, neediness, and desire for independence as much as they want affection.

Life at the mission is a challenge, but an educational one. I never could have anticipated the need to squeeze every factual and experiential tidbit of my Johnson education into stewarding this new job well! It's heavily missions-oriented, and so much of my interaction with the girls has been shaped by what I've learned through the counseling courses. Also, much of it needs lots more reading-up! It really has required every ounce of my faith, prayers, previous knowledge, and current active efforts to learn more. It's taking all of me, and lots more.
Beyond any other lesson, I'm learning my severe need for dependence on God.

Life at the mission is good. And challenging. Educational. Draining. Exciting. At times, depressing. Hopeful.
Worth it.

It's easy for me to lean toward defining life here by the ways the girls respond to life, their day-to-day stories marked with emotions and reactions as skewed as the list above. But this is not wisdom. Though my life is very closely tied to their lives now, I need to remain steady in God's unchanging character and unshakable hope. I need to remain full of this peace in order to share it with them.

Life at the mission is a unique opportunity to love beyond the extent I know how, trust for strength and wisdom that far exceeds my own, and depend on God to make it possible to love and lead these girls well.

That's all for now. More to come (and further information about pickles and kool-aid!) later.

In His peace,
Ashley :)

Some days, all you want is more broccoli.
Some days, all broccoli wants is more you.

When you're satisfied, you'll know it.

hearts

tu ne

Everywhere you go you make a sound.
What song have you left to stick in people's heads?

I could get angry about what has happened to you
I could be screaming with you
in my heart, I am.
But I want you to hear peace, instead.
I want you to know our voices were meant to soothe, to relate, to carry each other on.
I want you to know eyes were meant to take in light,
to communicate understanding.
I want you to know arms were meant for showing love. Arms hug.

Stolen Fruit

I live in Arizona now. I live in Arizona now.
Part of growing into this realization has included exploratory ventures around the state, around town, and around my new homestead (our property's lot here backs up to a national forest!) A few days ago I came across what appears to be a perpetual fruit stand. How couldn't I visit? (Easily, to be certain, but just not that day, as my weary-from-adjusting body and accompanying sore throat hijacked my ability to drive for a subconscious quest for vitamin C. Maybe I should have packed supplements, after all.)
They had home-grown-and-mixed spices, plums, peaches, cucumbers and nectarines. What are nectarines, exactly? Whatever they are, they looked lovely and vibrant. New times call for new fruits. A few dollars' exchange later I was on my way, enjoying one of my new treats and an open afternoon to find more furnishings to make my new place more home-y.
The girls want to make cookies this week, so some mixing bowls were on the list. No sooner did I return than I washed the fruit and pyramided it ever so delicately (sturdiest on bottom, bruised on top) in one of my new glass bowls. I set them on the craft drawer, which also doubles as a stand for my cork board until I figure out where it will serve most useful. (A sight to behold, and lovely deep red and orange personal reminder to savor the fruit God puts in my life.)
After an impromptu survey last week, I also learned that the girls have interest in learning more about the Fruit of the Spirit, a topic we'll pursue in the coming weeks with our hearts and evening devotion times.
That night, I had my door open as part of an ongoing invitation for the girls to drop by any time they like. One did just that, needing to borrow something. We went to the other room to find some, and when I returned, I noticed the nectarine structure's capstone had disappeared.
I know enough about nectarines to know they don't possess any sense of wanderlust, let alone physical mechanism for motion. I hoped it satisfied someone. Only soon after I realized that had someone asked, they could have had even better fruit; one not so bruised-up. I don't know how or by what assistance the nectarine managed this sort of relocation, but the thought of it left an impression in my mind:

This is the fruit I have given you to share from my abundance.

It was God's to begin with, and remains His; I get to serve its conduit to hungry tummies.

Just yesterday, a couple of my girls asked if they could have one.

What to do with a life so blessed?

Enjoy it, thank God for it, bless others with it.

Two Years Ago, Today

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day."

I now live 1700 miles from where I was born. Who knows what two more years hold. Who knows today.

Everything is different but God and His promises and faithfulness feel more the same than ever.

Pray. Breathe. Smile.

This summer I learned that the 'balance' between proactively searching and patiently trusting and waiting is not so formulaic as it is mindfully living to know, serve and delight in God with every breath.

Cuando respiras yo respiro.

belonging

I'm standing here until you make me move.

Plans are nothing certain
God is everything, forever.
We may lean how we like.

Daring to Walk

Remain faithful to God
He's full of life and loves to share it.
...
More to woods than the forest
more to the forest than trees
more to trees than seeing them
more to seeing than perceiving
...
andare
walk
and He will give from out of Himself
...
poison ivy up to my
widow's peak
but what a beautiful view.
...
Dios da cada día.
Dio dia cadauno giorno.
...

New Beginnings

This photo of Pristina is courtesy of TripAdvisor

Let's have coffee and start over,
I'm only happy with You.

peaches... beautiful fruit!

Say it.... say it!

"There's more to life than music blogs
there's more to life than music blogs
there's more to life than music blogs."

low start high hearts

Hearts poor come over you
and
you overcome poor hearts.

alone together forever

"If there is a God, you are, in a sense, alone with Him. You cannot put Him off with speculations about your next door neighbours or memories of what you have read in books. What will all that chatter and hearsay count (will you even be able to remember it?) when the anaesthetic fog which we call 'nature' or 'the real world' fades away and the Presence in which you have always stood becomes palpable, immediate, and unavoidable?"
- C.S. Lewis

seek but don't hide

"LEARN TO ENJOY LIFE MORE. Relax, remembering that I am God with you. I crafted you with enormous capacity to know Me and enjoy My Presence. When my people wear sour faces and walk through their lives with resigned rigidity, I am displeased. When you walk through a day with childlike delight, savoring every blessing, you proclaim your trust in Me, your ever-present Shepherd. The more you focus on My Presence with you, the more fully you can enjoy life. Glorify Me through your pleasure in Me. Thus you proclaim my presence to the watching world."

"Behold, a virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel (which means God with us)." Matthew 1:23

"The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for his sheep." John 10:10-11

From Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young

IM

Just as with Roman numerals a smaller number placed before one larger indicates subtraction, so our lives before God...

Mother Theresa, 3

"It was while she was teaching at the Loreto convent school in Calcutta that the second great break in Mother Teresa's life took place; the call within a call, as she puts it. She had occasion to go into some of the very poorest streets of Calcutta - and where are there any poorer - and suddenly realized that she belonged there, not in her Loreto convent with its pleasant garden, eager schoolgirls, congenial colleagues and rewarding work. Again the only impediment to her new vocation was the happiness and happy relationships it required her to relinquish. It might seem strange to regard any religious order as an unduly easeful existence, but that was how Mother Teresa saw it in contrast with the lives of the very poor in Calcutta. She had to wait for some two years to be released from the vows she had already taken in order to be able to go back into the world, there to take even stricter vows of her own devising. Ecclesiastical authority, I should add, is something that she accepts in the same unquestioning way that peasants accept the weather, or sailors storms at sea. It would never occur to her either to venerate or to challenge it. She just waited patiently. When at last her release came, she stepped out with a few rupees in her pocket, made her way to the poorest, wretchedest quarter of the city, found a lodging there, gathered together a few abandoned children- there were plenty to choose from - and began her ministry of love."
- Malcolm Muggeridge, Something Beautiful for God

amen

i am you
you are me
we are His
and we are free
and the wind will blow any which way it chooses.

Peach and peach tea for breakfast
Nice fresh lemon pop-pop-poppyseed scone and Lady Grey tea for evening treat.
Oh God, may my day be more fruitful than these.

Surround Sound Cicadas

slow, the hum;

right,
front,
left,
front,
right,
front,
left,
front,
right,


center
-above-
behind!

(It seems God's sound, whatever it is, carries much more significance than insects' excited vibrations... but through them we realize when we listen,

Plant Slant

Perhaps you've noticed, in potted plants especially, a collective leaning and growth toward the sun. Upon rotating a flower pot such that the leaves face the opposite direction, the leaves will turn again toward the light source (and reasonably so, as they receive the most energy this way.) In turn, this shifting gives strength to their stems, and serves to add overall fortification to the whole plant, as well as to continue growth into its intended characteristics and function.

What can one person do?

The following comes from a February article in Membercare.org's Global Briefings:

There is a cartoon I once saw about a crowd of people, and each one was thinking “but what can one person do?” It illustrated the idea that each of us wonders what difference we could make, but if each one does one thing, it all adds up. If one million people each did something tangible for the survivors of Katrina, those one million random acts of kindness would bless one million, or more, survivors. We would be writing our own versions of the movie “Pay it Forward!” Could it happen? God knows it could. It just takes me, and you, and you over there, and you with that quizzical look on your face, and you over there behind the tree…

Sometimes I wonder whether plants understand the tragedy of their holding onto dead branches. I try to give a strategic, gentle tug. Nothing. A little firmer, then. Still nothing. Then some reasoning: "you know you're hindering your growth, right? That all the water I'm giving you goes through those roots of yours straight through that languishing branch to a dry leaf and to nothing that's going to help you out. Meanwhile that little blossom up and to your left has been waiting for some refreshment. See the brown on it? Please, respectfully; give it up. The deadness here has no potential for producing anything anymore. Up there though -- that little blossom has a chance."
No response.
I had no choice but to be firm this time. To pull, carefully still, but with even more strength. The branch let up, but not without disrupting a surrounding, developing green fruit in the process.
If only you knew the capabilities of your cooperation, little plant.

so many beautiful things ahead, my dear.

Mother Theresa, 2

Time: Humble as you are, it must be an extraordinary thing to be a vehicle of God's grace in the world.

Mother Teresa: But it is His work. I think God wants to show His greatness by using nothingness.

Time: You are nothingness?

Mother Teresa: I'm very sure of that.

Time: You feel you have no special qualities?

Mother Teresa: I don't think so. I don't claim anything of the work. It's His work. I'm like a little pencil in His hand. That's all. He does the thinking. He does the writing. The pencil has nothing to do it. The pencil has only to be allowed to be used. In human terms, the success of our work should not have happened, no? That is a sign that it's His work, and that He is using others as instruments - all our Sisters. None of us could produce this. Yet see what He has done.

Mother Theresa

"Do you know something? In Calcutta all we need is a little rice and some medicine, but here they suffer a worse kind of hunger; here they hunger for love."
Madre Teresa

"The fruit of faith is love, and the fruit of love is service."

Merry-Posa

As humans, we move through the day by a progression of tasks.
Butterflies, by sweetness.

Maybe we have missed something.

Bobo the Watch Llama: In Memoriam

A trusty guard to all the barnyard animals at Stratford. Quick to spit on any foe...or friend. Loved this tribute to him in the lastest newsletter:

* We are sad to report that our llama Bobo died on Saturday.
We are not sure if it was related to heat or parasites. He will be sadly missed by all the farm campers and staff who interacted with him daily. As a memorial to Bobo, we list his full name here: Bobo skideeten datten neigh neigh neigh neigh boom boom boom ish kiddely oten boten bobo skideeten datten bobo skidoten doten boom. Shakalaka.

Travel (B)log 6

From Jena, we traveled to Berlin, Germany. Even though it was a brief visit, we still got a sense of the hard, cold tiredness of the surrounding culture, and the delight and refreshment the sweet, lively hearts there must bring to the community and to Berlin’s overall spiritual climate.
We left Berlin the next day for Austria. Here we had the privilege of staying at a beautiful retreat center. As the only group there, we enjoyed the feel of having a ‘home’ of our own, and had a great time preparing and eating dinner together as a team. The peace we received here turned frozen pizza and salad into all the pleasure of a home-cooked family meal. (The decorative candles may have helped a bit, too.) What a good (and refreshing) reminder of the rest our missionaries – and all who serve – need in order to have peace to offer others. In the morning we visited Axel, the pastor for a church just outside of Salzburg, the. most. beautiful city I’ve ever seen; in its surroundings and physical structures as much as the people inhabiting them. I remain fully enamored.
Though everyone we met to this point had been friendly, Axel had a special lightness about him, which I have come to learn can rightly stand described as ‘characteristically Austrian.’ He gave a nice overview of the history of the Church in Europe (one for which my Johnson professors would squeal in intellectual delight,) brought to light the reality of the growth of Islam there most recently, and then opened the time to questions. When inquired about the difference between Austrians and Germans he replied “In Germany they’re more direct, great with numbers, love ‘numbers, numbers, numbers.’ They’re focused on the result. Austrians are more… what we call, ‘cozy,’ you know?” He said that much of the Church’s ‘work’ there is purely relational – people want to know you, and want you to know them. About their growing youth ministry, he noted, “what they like is that you take care of them.” It seems everyone in Austria both requires and desires that part of interaction and familiarity that can only result from relating. They need first to know they can trust you, and next to know you care. Only after that could they ever want to know anything else. As a people they’re welcoming and friendly and have an accommodating, loving intrigue for those they don’t know. In more of Axel’s wise words, summarizing our discussion and perhaps all of Austria’s mindset:
“If you come, you’re welcome. But please stay.”
We had the rest of the day to explore Salzburg, and made sure to stop nearly everywhere he recommended we see, including his favorite Café, the magnificent Fortress, and an authentic Austrian restaurant. This whole visit was bittersweet for our family-team as our last full day together, but we didn’t let that keep us from enjoying it well.

Nearly to Austria!


Mozart's Birthplace. Classy / corny contrast.


Not a real man, not to worry.


Fortress.


Salzburg.


Fortress tree. Think of all the years.


Spinach dumplings!

little leaves

seasons are for changing
change is for seasoning
seasoning is for change
changing is for seasons
everything's still the same
so it goes

Thank you, child, for turning away when you saw her hurt
So glad your life is happiness.
So sad your heart's so weak.

Thank you, child, for walking away when I called your name
So glad I gave you ears.
So sad you chose your feet.

Thank you, child, for wasting away
when her only way is waste
So glad you know what's worth your while.
So sad your time's so cheap.
___

Thank you child for closing your mouth and singing along
so glad I gave you
sense.

nous les humains intelligents

Que ferions-nous sans traduction en ligne?!

from this weekend.

"It's all about the people."

May I stare at this forever?

Joshua Tree Under the Milky Way from Henry Jun Wah Lee on Vimeo.

"In my earlier days I'd been to sea with a tall rawboned fellow from Ruston La. called Big Slim Hubbard, William Holmes Hubbard, who was hobo by choice; as a little boy he'd seen a hobo come up to ask his mother for a piece of pie, and she had given it to him, and when the hobo went off down the road the little boy had said
'Ma what is that fellow?'
'Why that's a ho-bo.'
'Ma, I want to be a ho-bo someday.'"

Travel (B)log 5

We were sad to leave Corinne, Barry and Brussels the next morning, but excited to travel to our next destination, Liège. There we met Luc, among the toughest looking pastors on our trip (and perhaps all of Europe.) He comes well-suited for the area, as Liège has an incredibly rough exterior of its own, only without the humility, servitude and love Luc’s hosts. From Luc we learned that God has already given us all we need to serve Him; we need only open our eyes and minds to what’s already going on around us, and get involved. “Be a part of something -- what’s happening already?” He also taught us swim trunks are not allowed in Belgium, only Speedos. Swimming did not make the itinerary.

Our arrival to Liège

Luc, on the left

After Liège, we headed for Jena, Germany. Home of Friedrich Schiller University, Jena is a modern and intensely intellectual college town. As such, the Pastor there has to have a modern, intellectual mindset, and loads of mental energy. Rocco is just the one for the job. Originally from California, Rocco now lives in Jena with his family, in walking distance from the University. Not only does he entertain University minds, but he and his whole family also have befriended and serve those at an Iranian refugee camp thirty minutes outside of the city. Every week he drives a large van to pick up a group from the camp to attend church, and afterward to spend the afternoon and early evening in their home. While many in our group stayed with Rocco and his family, my friend Rachel (one of my best friends and fellow student from Johnson, I’m surprised to not have mentioned her earlier!) and I got to stay at a flat with girls from Rocco’s fellowship. They live on the most popular street in Jena, which made for an up-front view of the student culture there. It was great to talk with these girls and see what life is like for students of faith in such a scientifically-minded community. What a contrast in perspective they have to offer! Though it must be a challenge, I’m excited to think of all the opportunity they have to share a different outlook with those around them.

Pleasant morning walk to Church from the flat

At least once a month, the Church holds a picnic in the park. Here's a shot of the most international game of Uno ever played, [complete with challenging German rules!]

Students in Jena gather at the river to socialize, relax and study. And swim! (Without any particular Speedo-exclusive restriction.)